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100 Of The Funniest Valentine’s Day Quotes To Make Your Honey LOL

While romance and roses make for a lovely Valentine’s Day gesture, filling your February 14th with both love and laughter is often the best gift of all. From funny Valentine’s Day quotes that playfully poke fun at this Hallmark holiday to LOL-worthy commentary about marriage and relationships, this big list of funny Valentine’s Day quotes speak to the lighter side of love.
To give your valentine lots of laughs this year, share one of these hilarious sayings with them over Instagram or write one of these funny quotes in their Valentine’s Day card. And whatever you do, don’t forget the chocolates!

  1. “Valentine, just a few words to tell you how I love you. I have loved you since the first day I saw you. Whenever that was.” ― Charles M. Schulz
  2. “I wanted to make it really special on Valentine’s Day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours, I watched whatever I wanted on TV.” — Tracy Smith
  3. “Valentine’s Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don’t have a special someone, you’re alone.” —Lewis Black
  4. “To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia.” — H. L. Mencken
  5. “Valentine’s Day is when a lot of married men are reminded what a poor shot Cupid really is.” —Anonymous
  6. “Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on x-rays, but you know it’s there.” — George Burns
  7. “Would I rather be feared or loved? Umm… easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.” — Michael Scott, The Office
  8. “The thing about Valentine’s day is that people discover who are single and who to feel jealous of.” — Faye Morgan
  9. “You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.” — Henny Youngman
  10. “Without Valentine’s Day, February would be…well, January.” — Jim Gaffigan
  11. “If you text ‘I love you’ to a person and the person writes back an emoji – no matter what that emoji, they don’t love you back.” — Chelsea Peretti
  12. “Remember, your Valentine’s card shows you care enough to send the very best, even though you’re too lazy to put it in your own words.” — Melanie White
  13. “The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” — Dolly Parton
  14. “I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” — Jenny Han
  15. “You know how people say, ‘You can’t live without love’? Well, oxygen is even more important.” – Dr. Gregory Houser
  16. “Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you’re offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone’s feelings.” — David Sedaris
  17. “You’re never alone on Valentine’s Day if you’re near a lake and have bread.” — Mike Primavera
  18. “A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love.” — Friedrich Nietzsche
  19. “It wasn’t love at first sight. It took a full five minutes.” — Lucille Ball
  20. “A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” — Tim Allen
  21. “A man’s main job is to protect his woman from her desire to ‘get bangs’ every other month.” — Dax Shepard
  22. “Can officially confirm that the way to a man’s heart these days is not through beauty, food, sex, or alluringness of character, but merely the ability to seem not very interested in him.” — Bridget Jones’s Diary
  23. “If you text ‘I love you’ and the person writes back an emoji—no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back.” — Chelsea Peretti
  24. “It is not love that makes a relationship complicated; it’s the people in it who do.” — Unknown
  25. “Love is being stupid together.” — Paul Valery
  26. “Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.” — Richard Jeni
  27. “Love is a grave mental illness.” — Plato
  28. “Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it.” — Phyllis Schlafly
  29. “True love is singing karaoke ‘Under Pressure’ and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part.” — Mindy Kaling
  30. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner
  31. “One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.” — Oscar Wilde
  32. “Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species.” — W. Somerset Maugham
  33. “The thing about Valentine’s day is that people discover who are single and who to feel jealous of.” — Faye Morgan
  34. “Oh here’s an idea: let’s make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine’s Day. That’s not weird at all.” — Jimmy Fallon
  35. “Remember, your Valentine’s card shows you care enough to send the very best, even though you’re too lazy to put it in your own words.” – Melanie White
  36. I have no Valentines date! Anyway, it’s okay, food is love, food is life.37. “Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.” – Oscar Wilde
  37. “Love means nothing in tennis, but it’s everything in life.” – Unknown
  38. “In case I forget to tell you later, I had a really good time tonight.” — Pretty Woman
  39. “Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.” – Joan Crawford
  40. “If love is the answer, then could you rephrase the question?” — Lily Tomlin
  41. ” Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love” — Albert Einstein
  42. “By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates
  43. “The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing—and then marry him.” — Cher
  44. ”My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.” – Garry Shandling
  45. ”So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea.” — King Jaffe Joffer
  46. “I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.” – Woody Allen
  47. ” A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” – Tim Allen
  48. “Love is sharing your popcorn.” — Charles Schulz
  49. “I married for love. But the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find your glasses cannot be ignored.” — Cameron Esposito
  50. “My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.” — Garry Shandling
  51. “Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.” — Chelsea Handler
  52. “Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.” – Albert Einstein
  53. “Love is hiding who you are at all times. It’s wearing make-up to bed and going downstairs to Burger King to poop.” — 30 Rock
  54. “Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.” — The Office
  55. “Love is blind—marriage is the eye-opener.” — Pauline Thomason
  56. “Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner.” – Jerry Seinfeld
  57. ” If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something.” — Fran Lebowitz
  58. “Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” — Jerry Seinfeld
  59. “You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale.” — Hussein Nishah
  60. ” Never sign a Valentine with your own name.” — Charles Dickens
  61. “Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell
  62. “The great question which I have not been able to answer… is, ‘What does a woman want?’ — Freud
  63. “Where love is the case, the doctor is an ass.” — English Proverb
  64. “Never marry a man you wouldn’t want to be divorced from.” — Nora Ephron
  65. “Love is what you’ve been through with somebody.” — James Thurber
  66. “An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.” — Agatha Christie
  67. “You’re just like bacon, beer, and chocolate – you make everything better.” — Unknown
  68. “Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.” — Unknown
  69. “Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore.” — Bree Luckey
  70. “Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.” — Jackie Mason
  71. ”I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.” — Chico Marx
  72. “So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea.” — King Jaffe Joffer
  73. “A man who correctly guesses a woman’s age may be smart, but he’s not very bright.” — Lucille Ball
  74. “My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.”— Ray Romano
  75. “Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you’d be surprised at the large number that re-enlists.” — James Garner
  76. “I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.” — Steven Wright
  77. “My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.” — Rodney Dangerfield
  78. “What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork.” – Pearl Bailey
  79. “Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.” — Bill Maher
  80. “Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” — Billy Crystal
  81. “My phone battery lasts longer than most of my relationships nowadays.” — Jacques Torres
  82. “There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart.” – Melanie Griffith
  83. “When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.” – Helen Rowland
  84. “Love is a two-way street constantly under construction.” — Carroll Bryant
  85. ”I reallyyy like you, even if my resting bitch face says otherwise!” — Unknown
  86. “A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor
  87. Yay! We still like each other. Happy Valentine’s Day, beautiful.
  88. “Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” – Kathy Mohnke
  89. “I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” — Dwight Schrute
  90. “Look, there’s no metaphysics on earth like chocolates.” — Fernando Pessoa
  91. “Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch.” — Cathy Carlyle
  92. “Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?” — Unknown
  93. “Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.” – H. L. Mencken
  94. “That’s why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they’d call them something else.” — Sixteen Candles
  95. I’d be the first to stomp on your lovely zombie head. Happy Valentine’s Day!
  96. “Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.” — Jules Renard
  97. “As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: You can be right or you can be happy.” – Ralphie May
  98. “Love is a sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.” — Jewish Proverb
  99. “Will you be my Valentine? That was a rhetorical question. We’re married.” — Unknown

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